Much of the stuff about multiple dating will be very familiar to you if you have ever been on the receiving end of the flip flapping, hedge sitting, keeping you on ice guy that is Mr Unavailable.
Ladies, I’m not saying don’t have fun but I am saying to be careful of not only living a double standard but dragging out a cycle of being emotionally unavailable and commitment resistant.
If we truly do want a relationship and we don’t want to engage in the type of situations that have caused us pain when others have done it, why do it ourselves?
Each time I hear from women struggling with multiple dating, do you know what I hear?
While it's long been accepted that men "play the field," it's not something that seems to be talked about as much by women.
But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with spending Monday night with Matt, Tuesday with Tom, and Wednesday with Will.
Who said you have to go straight to a relationship? A couple of weeks ago I wrote about why dating is a discovery phase for fact finding.If you multiple date with dubious love habits, the moment that someone either ticks the boxes of your pattern such as having familiar characteristics, qualities and behaviours or doesn’t do what you expect, triggering curiosity and a sense of rejection that convinces you that you are more interested in them than you are in others, you will start thinking and expecting like someone who is dating them exclusively, while at the same time, because of your fear of getting hurt, being committed, or losing all of the sources of attention, trying to maintain some of the other guys.You won’t be interested because you’re genuinely interested – you’ll be interested because you’ll want to ‘win over’ this person and get validated, which is not the same thing.2) Being afraid of commitment because you’re afraid of getting hurt. Some people keep their options open because they want to shag around, they think there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and they also worry that someone who perfectly meets their criteria may be out there somewhere and are afraid of ‘settling’.In fact a number of women have said to me that they’re afraid of wasting time, while at the same time feeling that time is running out, so they’re trying to effectively compact, for example, what would be a years worth of dating for another person, into a couple of months. It may feel like you’re auditioning them for what you feel is the big job of being ‘The One’ but you and they are people with feelings, libidos, imaginations, and love habits that may be counterproductive to you actually getting the relationship you want – adding several people to the mix just makes it messy.But equally, keeping your options open is about being non-commital and this is the mainstay of being emotionally unavailable and creating limited experiences that keep you ‘safe’ in a self-fulfilling prophecy bubble. Feeling like you have choices may convince you that you have more choices than you have and trap you indecision!What I found particularly prevalent though with each person who multiple dates is that they enjoy getting lots of attention from various different sources which helps them get a level of validation that they’re seeking. Here’s the trouble: I’m not suggesting that you be a nun or ‘commit’ to a relationship with a virtual stranger, although ladies, let’s be real, many of you committed to virtual strangers but told yourselves that you knew more!Send your anonymous sex and dating questions to [email protected], and we'll answer them in our new advice column, 99 Problems.Over the past few weeks in particular, I’ve had quite a few readers tell me that they’re dating multiple people, something I find exhausting just thinking about it, but at the same time rather fascinating because I find that people give me all sorts of reasons for they do it: I’m just experimenting with dating. Remember how you didn’t like it when Mr Unavailable had a narcissistic harem of women he was dipping in and out of for an ego stroke? It’s where you discover the facts that will help you determine whether you should green light, date some more and potentially move into a relationship, or whether you should red light and abort the mission.You’re committing to courtesy and you’re also committing to removing ambiguity about stuff like ‘Am I the only person they’re sleeping with?’ And here is the big question: Do you want to perpetuate the very behaviour that drives you insane when you’re on the receiving end of it?